I would imagine it would have been "disappointing" to have
been on that Carnival Cruise ship that drifted around in its own filth for most
of last week.
I’ve seen those Carnival
It shows people laughing it up,
eating good food, and swimming around in the sunshine.
I don’t really recall seeing a tent city made
out of bed sheets like it was an African refugee camp.
Do you remember seeing people sleep with one
eye open for fear of getting a shiv in their side over a soggy tomato
I certainly don’t remember
seeing smiling laughing people putting their excrement into plastic bags and
squishing around on urine soaked carpet.
I didn’t see the TV spot with old people gagging in the lower decks as
they struggled in the pitch black hallways through the stench of shit, piss,
Maybe that was on a different
version of the commercial I just didn’t see.
I don’t feel bad for those people though. This comes in part because I am a heartless
fuck. However it mostly comes from the
fact that I believe that cruises are generally a bad idea and meant for rubes
that can’t handle international travel on their own. If you decide to board that floating prison,
you deserve whatever horrible fate befalls you.
I would never go on a vacation to a resort that would not allow me to
leave it. I would not go to a resort
that could sink into the earth and kill me.
I would not go to a resort that provided me with accommodations roughly
one quarter of my own bedroom. I need to be able to walk away from any bad situation, not wait and hope it gets better on its own somehow.
This whole hustle is designed for people that think they are
somehow getting over with promises of unlimited buffet food and multiple stops
in glamorous ports of call.
honest here, buffet food almost always sucks.
Anything that is not cooked to order, sitting in a steam table or out in
the elements is not going to be very fresh.
Additionally since this food is cooked for the great unwashed masses,
the flavor profile is targeted at the lowest common denominator.
When you see all those ads on TV for “pizza
sliders” and ‘blooming onions” in high priced network programming, you can rest
assured that huge masses of people are eating this shit.
These are the same people that are cramming
themselves into Carnival Cruise ships and strapping on the old feedbag.
You think they want fresh oysters on the half
shell or foie gras?
No way man.
They want nuggets.
Nuggets of any animal you can bread and deep
As they float around on these enormous boats eating and
shitting these people are very excited to go to all these exciting places. Well, let’s define “go”… What happens is the boat docks at various horrible
tourist trap ports. Every parasite that
lives on that island descends like a locust to sell these people things they
don’t need or want like drugs, counterfeit purses, and hair braiding. As the passengers fight their way through
them like British nobles in 1921 Calcutta, they head into the inevitable “straw
market” which has tacky souvenirs sold by confrontational locals. Or maybe they go to the “Duty Free” jewelry
stores where they can buy wildly marked up items with no guarantee of quality
or provenance. After some time at this
glorified airport shopping mall, they get back on the boat to repeat the
process the next day. This is what is
sold as “fun” and “travel adventure”.
If you will notice, every person interviewed departing this
stricken Carnival Cruise ship has seemed like someone you would move away from at a bar.
It is a never ending parade of boring hillbillies
and shell shocked senior citizens.
best part is that Carnival got paid to give 4200 people the experience of being
in a Turkish prison, and then shamelessly re-marketed to them.
After making these people endure days of
miserable conditions, they generously decided to refund the price of the cruise
and give discounts for a future cruise.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You pay to put yourself into one
of the worst experiences of your life, and then Carnival says, “Look, this didn’t
work out so well.
We will admit mistakes were made
Here’s the good news though...
You can give us money again
We are going to give
you this coupon that will allow you to come back and let us make a profit off
of you again
We have nuggets!”.
After getting backlash in the press, Carnival then decided
to grudgingly cough up $500 to each passenger.
This had to be a proactive move recommended by their legal department to
try and stave off the personal injury lawyers that must have swarmed down on Mobile
I would imagine there is a
lengthy document that must be signed before you get your $500 back that says
something along the lines of “It’s a helluva thing that happened, but if you
take this $500 you can’t hold us responsible for anything.
I have every confidence that most of those rubes will take
that $500 with the coupon and put themselves right back on one of those shitty
boats. They will have learned no lesson and happily gobble up nuggets
and pre-sliced turkey in gravy and scoops of mashed potatoes and soggy green
bean casserole and limp French fries and unrecognizable fish swimming in “butter
sauce” and terrible pizza under a heat lamp and mountains of nachos from the Nacho Bar. Fuck them.
They learned no lesson and never will.
They need to be kept quarantined on these Ships of Despair and kept away
from the rest of us.